Funny Jokes and Photos

Head First Karate Chop Photo

2009-09-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

Karate Chop Photo. So you want to break some roof tiles do you? Lets see if you can do it with your head. Seems to be working. Kind of crazy though. Martial Arts can be dangerous, but not if done properly.

Baseball Spot the Ball Competition

2009-09-03T05:41:00.000-07:00

Where is the Ball? Anyone care to pick where the ball is? Im not sure. It doesnt seem like the player has caught it, maybe its just behind the guy who is wearing the white cap. Nice Obama progress Tshirt by the way.

One Big Happy Family Photo

2009-09-03T05:39:00.000-07:00

Huge Family. I could be wrong, but i count 17 kids here. But ive already had a stiff drink tonight, so my judgement might be impaired. I think the parents here could use a few stiff drinks. Imagine putting up with 17 kids. At leats they have a really big house.

Amazing View Open Air Bathroom

2009-08-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Bathroom With a View. Yes, its an amazing view from this outside bathroom. But what happens if someone was watching while you had a bath?

Funny Doctor and Lawyer Bills Joke

2009-06-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Real Men Bring Flowers

2009-03-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

This is apparently what women want from their men....good luck!

Old Age Newborn Baby

2009-03-16T07:59:00.001-07:00

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, ' I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Old Man Crushed Nuts

2009-03-16T07:58:00.002-07:00

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Expensive Hearing Aid

2009-03-16T07:58:00.001-07:00

A man was telling his neighbor, ' I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Really Short Memory Joke

2009-03-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a soda.'

Marriage and Driving Joke

2009-03-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Funny Old People Memory Joke

2009-03-16T07:54:00.002-07:00

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, ' I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, ' I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

Being Discharged From Hospital

2009-03-16T07:54:00.001-07:00

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Really Weird Shaped Bubble Baloon

2009-03-15T06:03:00.000-07:00

Now that is a really big bubble in the shape of a...well, i'll let you work that out. But is anyone actually that big? That would be very disturbing.

Politicians Fight in Parliament Photo

2009-03-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

At least these politicians are passionate. If not terribly civilized. Crazy thing fighting in the Parliament. Im guessing that this is Taiwan but im not totally sure.

Riding in the Trunk Photo

2009-02-01T15:27:00.000-08:00

I suppose there is no more room in the back seat of this car, thus the move to the trunk. Fully air conditioned. I think they would hate to be rear ended. Yes. That would be scary.

Toilet Paper for Flu Invention

2009-01-31T15:20:00.000-08:00

Got to love new inventions coming out of Japan. A toilet roll that attaches to your head so you can use it for tissues to blow your nose. Clever, and altogether really stupid.

Drinking Too Much Coffee? Do you do this?

2009-01-30T16:39:00.000-08:00

* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
* Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Bottled Water Man Picture

2009-01-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

There must be some value in empty bottles of water. That is a big collection this man is carrying.

More Funny Times at Your Supermarket

2009-01-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

Toilet paper as much of the store as possible.

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Two words: "Marco Polo."

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

During announcements over the PA, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Real Men Superbowl & Crafts

2009-01-29T15:24:00.000-08:00

What women really want from their men. In case you cant read the caption, "Ooh look, the NFL Playoffs are today. I bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair"

Crazy Kissing Oompa Loompas

2009-01-29T15:16:00.000-08:00

I really dont think Oompa Loompas should kiss. Certainly not in public anyway. Im sure they would have a song about this.

Weird Marriage Names Gowen Geter

2009-01-27T19:41:00.000-08:00

Now that is a weird and funny marriage name combination. Gowen Geter - Go and Get Her. Get it? I cant say that she looks so happy about getting married in this photo? Actually, they both look rather unimpressed. Marriage sometimes does that to people. So im told anyway.

Swimming The English Channel

2009-01-26T13:46:00.000-08:00

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Bad Marriage Names McDonalds

2009-01-26T05:42:00.002-08:00

Now that is some bad marriage name combination. Macdonald Berger. Im glad he isnt a large guy, otherwise it could have been Big Mac Berger.

Priests, Rabbi and Money Joke

2009-01-26T05:42:00.001-08:00

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

Strong Child Lifts Car Superboy?

2009-01-26T05:32:00.000-08:00

Is this Superboy? Im sure i remember Superman as a boy lifting a car off his father. Not many kids can lift a car with just one hand.

I Know Everybody Joke

2009-01-26T05:00:00.000-08:00

Eugene was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Eugene how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Eugene and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Eugene! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Eugene's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Eugene that he thinks Eugene's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Eugene says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Eugene says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Eugene on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Eugene, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Eugene, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Eugene.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Eugene and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Eugene says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Eugene emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Eugene returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Eugene asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Eugene?"

Wheres the Hammer Joke

2009-01-25T03:36:00.000-08:00

A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.' Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer.'

Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'

Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived nextdoor to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

Police Car Under Fighter Jet Crushed

2009-01-25T03:32:00.000-08:00

Im trying to work out why or how there is a police car under a fighter jet, crushed. Did the police car drive under here, or did the pilot land on top of the car? Hard to tell. I kinda suspect that this may be from a movie set. Given the badly damaged state of the car, i hope so.

Disturbing Nun Joke

2009-01-25T03:29:00.000-08:00

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of porn magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Floating Crane Restaurant

2009-01-25T03:27:00.000-08:00

This floating crane restuarant certainly wouldnt suit people who are afraid of heights. People like me. I cant say that id be able to eat anything.

Playing Hide and Seek Joke

2009-01-24T15:44:00.000-08:00

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

Flood Water Skiing Photo

2009-01-23T17:44:00.000-08:00

Make the most of the floods, attach a rope to the back of a car and take your board out for a ski.

Funny Blonde In Space Joke

2009-01-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a blonde woman on board. The control centre is the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later the control centre calls again:

"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says... "I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."

Amusing Wonder Sauna Hot Pants

2009-01-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

The wonder sauna hot pants reduces waist, tummy, hips and thighs. They also make you look like a total dick. Comment please if you ever had a pair of these hot pants, and i want descriptions of their results please..

747 Beach Landing Air France

2009-01-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

Im not sure how much peace and serenity oyu would get on this beach with an aircraft flying so low overhead. I think this one is Air France and the runway is just past the beach. I wouldnt be going to that beach - thats just me..

Old Man and Rolls Royce Joke

2009-01-22T20:51:00.000-08:00

The old guy was backing his Rolls Royce into the last available parking space when
a quick red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Old Fella, but you've got to be young
and smart to do that."

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls Royce had crunched
the sports car into a crumpled heap.

"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"

Bad Day Heaven Entry Joke

2009-01-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, and hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Funny Car Rally Photo

2009-01-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

Crazy Car Rally Photographers. Ive always thought that spectators at car rallies were really weird. Just tempting fate. This just confirms my theory. These arent professional photographers, these are just regular fans waiting to die.

Priest Bishop Vader Church Service

2009-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

A Bishop? Priest? No, its Vader, Darth Vader. "I could kill you with a single thought" I didnt know that Darth Vader and the dark side had converted to Christianity. Funny guy hey?

Paddy and Murphy Wallpaper Joke

2009-01-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

Paddy decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that Murphy who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Murphy," Paddy asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten" said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"That's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."

Believe in God Joke

2009-01-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Surfing With Sharks Danger

2009-01-21T15:01:00.000-08:00

On seeing this shark in the water, im finally happy to say that i cant surf. This guy on the surfboard has a wetsuit all in black, and could easliy mistaken for a seal. Not a safe place to be. Unless of course its a trick of the light and its actually a dolphin, then all is ok...

There have been lots of reports of shark attacks in Australia recently. I think i would like to stay in the shallows.

Oops Funny Car Park Photo

2009-01-21T14:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is a big oops. Thankfully this car stopped where it did. Its not the best place to park in the carpark is it?

Funny Slam Dunk Cat Photo

2009-01-21T00:42:00.000-08:00

Looks like we could have a good little basketball cat on our hands. Slam dunk for this kitty.

Funny Watch Out for the Snake Picture

2009-01-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so the next time you are out on the tennis court with a snake, be careful, this could happen. Why is there a snake on the tennis court anyway? I hope its not the Australian Open, some dangerous snakes down under.

Blonde School Counseller Joke

2009-01-20T07:29:00.001-08:00

A blonde began a job as a school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Ok," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."

Look Who's 30 Birthday Photo

2009-01-20T07:26:00.000-08:00

Very surprising that Mike made it to 30 years old. Thats a big bottle of liquor he is carrying.

Funny Teenagers Parking Joke

2009-01-20T07:21:00.000-08:00

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot at night overlooking a golf course.

He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man.

"I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Funny Crime to Wear Saggy Pants in Flint

2009-01-20T07:17:00.000-08:00

Im trying to work out if this is serious. According to this funny news report, its a crime to wear saggy pants in Flint. This message from the Flint Police Department. Punishment is from 93 days to a year in jail and or up to $500 in fines. Im hoping this is an April Fools Prank. Otherwise it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase Fashion Crimes.

Want a Big Income?

2009-01-19T17:53:00.002-08:00

Classic. Dont listen to those get rich quick signs - go to college.

Cheap Bar Buisness Joke

2009-01-19T17:53:00.001-08:00

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

How to Work from Home Picture

2009-01-19T17:49:00.000-08:00

How to work from home. Yes, i think "Pimp" Jimmy is expecting people to do a little more than sleep when they stay in bed. Who would have thought that they were advertising for these positions now.

Smart Professor and Students Joke

2009-01-19T17:47:00.000-08:00

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave, with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction.

Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them, "You have 1 hour to complete the exam."

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

Blonde's Car and Hailstorm Joke

2009-01-19T17:43:00.000-08:00

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over, she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.

The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."

Dont Smoke and Drink Joke

2009-01-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

Funny News Car Hits Boy Car Damaged

2009-01-19T17:37:00.000-08:00

Hilarious. Seriously funny. Car hits boy and car damaged. And this kid is only eleven years old! He suffered only a bruised knee, the car got a shattered windshield and dented fender. I love the photo too, its almost out of a far side cartoon by Gary Larson. I think this kid, Jason, might be a boy of steel.

Dating Daughters Rhyme Joke

2009-01-19T14:53:00.000-08:00

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"

The guy, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and the two take off.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"

The man, now kind of annoyed, says, "Yes." The two depart.

Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck.."

The father shot him.

Funny Voyeur at the Triathlon

2009-01-19T04:25:00.000-08:00

Ive seen some innapropriate TV shots in my time, but this is quite crazy. What is the need for this shot of this girl at the Triathlon? Comments please...

Funny Volkswagen and Trailer

2009-01-19T04:23:00.000-08:00

Hey, so why not make a trailer out of an old volkswagen beetle body. Its a great idea. Looks like this one is carrying a Vespa motorbike scooter.

Funny Island Pick Up Truck

2009-01-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

This is one funny practical joke, digging a hole or moat around a pick up truck, and filling it with water. How would you get your truck out of there?

Funny Asian Tow Trucks

2009-01-18T22:14:00.000-08:00

These look like really long 3 wheeled bikes. Or mini tow trucks. Weird. How could one of these carry another 3 behind it?

Really Stupid Globe For Kids Ad

2009-01-18T21:59:00.000-08:00

Who in the adverting department came up with this gem for the world globe? Nope, the kid's pen isnt pointing to Boston. Hey, it isnt even pointing to the United States. Yes kids, thats India. Some strange ads out there.

How To Know if You Should Diet

2009-01-18T21:57:00.000-08:00

Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?

After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?

Great Headline Funny News

2009-01-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

Police arrest everyone? Surely this headline has got it wrong? What did everyone do wrong on February 22....or what will they do wrong?

Funny Before and After Beauty Photo

2009-01-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

How funny is this before and after beauty treatment ad? They cant be serious. Surely, even the disclaimer that results may vary couldnt justify this?

Star Wars Vs Harry Potter

2009-01-18T04:50:00.000-08:00

Just in case you thought that Harry Potter and Star Wars were two separate unrelated movies. This is very clever.

Funny Engineer Mistress Joke

2009-01-18T04:48:00.000-08:00

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they ask.

The engineer replies, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Funny Travelling Salesman Joke

2009-01-18T04:47:00.000-08:00

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the so-called eye.

In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs Smith.

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."

"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

Funny Sobriety Cop Test

2009-01-18T04:44:00.000-08:00

A man in a hurry to get to work at the circus was speeding and got stopped by the Highway Patrol. The patrolman was suspicious and asked the driver to open the trunk for a routine search. To his surprise, there were dozens of large knives in the trunk. The driver began to explain that he juggled the knives at the circus and was running late for the show.

The patrolman asked for a demonstration to prove it, so the driver began to juggle. Just at this moment a couple passed by on the interstate and observed this strange scene.

The woman remarked, "My, my! Those sobriety tests get harder every year, don't they?"

Funny Catholic Nun Joke

2009-01-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a Notre Dame football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.

So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), " I think I want to move to California; there are only 100 Catholics living there."

The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington; there are only 50 Catholics living there."

The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho; there are only 25 Catholics living there."

One of the nuns turns around and looks them all in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell; there aren't any Catholics there."

Single Wheel Motorbike Photo

2009-01-18T04:20:00.000-08:00

Im not sure what the story is here with this single wheel motorbike. Im guessing that the outside part of the wheel moves, not all of it. Otherwise it might get a little dizzy.

Funny Scary Santa Photo

2009-01-18T04:17:00.000-08:00

No this kid does not look happy to be sitting on Santa's lap. Surprising, he looks like one of the more believable santas ive seen. Is it just me or do Santa's look different these days? I imagine them all to look like this guy.

Funny Scary Static Electricity Photo

2009-01-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

I knew that static electricity had some energy and power but this is just crazy. The girls hair is literally standing on end.

Funny Unfair Sumo Match Kid

2009-01-17T06:20:00.000-08:00

Thats a bit of an unfair sumo match. Unless this kid is really quick and smart. Kind of like Cary Elwes against Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride. Great Movie. Anyway, i think this is just a set up. Id hate for this to be an "in my belly" type moment.

Funn Tennis Photo Big Top

2009-01-17T06:17:00.000-08:00

Funn Tennis Player Photo. Who is this guy? Comments please, im really bad with Tennis players. Im still in the era of Ivan Lendl, Stefan Edberg and Mats Wilander. Anyway, this guy looks like he has something under his top. Like an alien growing out of his stomach. Im sure its just the effort his is putting into his shot.

Funny Photos Pepsi Posse Kills Coke

2009-01-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

Im trying to think of some headlines for the dead coke can. Coke Can Killed by Gang of Pepsi Hoodlums. Or Pepsi Posse kills the Coke. Maybe Coke Head Crushed by Rivals. Any thoughts? Leave a comment with your best headline.

Sharing Old Couple Joke

2009-01-16T16:42:00.000-08:00

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Funny Photos Peeing Statues

2009-01-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

Grown Men Peeing Statues? Somebody calls this art. I call this stupid...but just a little bit funny.

Funny Photos Packed Train Subway Station

2009-01-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

Oh My God. How packed is this subway platform? One wrong move, or one little push, and a whole bunch of people will be on the train tracks. Just one quick question, how do the people who want to depart the train actually get off? Like where could they possibly go? Funny and weird. Some barriers might be appropriate here.

Jesus Stands in For St Peter Joke

2009-01-16T16:35:00.000-08:00

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.

Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Funny Helpful Priest Joke

2009-01-16T16:29:00.000-08:00

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Funny Photos Tuk Tuk Overloaded

2009-01-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

Im not sure why this tuk tuk has collapsed back. It doesnt look too overloaded. Maybe its just broken. Given the way some of these tuk tuks get driven, it doesnt surprise me. Some drivers are good, others, make sure you say a prayer and close your eyes.

Funny Supermarket Joke New Broom

2009-01-16T16:13:00.000-08:00

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worr lady," replied the cashier. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have, you'll be home in no time."

Funny Vegetable Photos Huge Cauliflower

2009-01-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

That is one massive cauliflower. What on earth do they feed these things to make them grow so big? First Prize Fella!

Funny Photos Spiderman as Old Man

2009-01-16T16:09:00.000-08:00

What will Spiderman look like when he gets old? This photo is your answer. Loose suit and no hair. Not a superhero now hey?

Funny Classifieds Jack and Kill Child Care

2009-01-16T02:08:00.000-08:00

Im not sending any kids to the Jack and Kill Childcare. It may be just me, but it doesnt sound so safe. Hey, even if they spelt it correctly, Jack and Jill doesnt instill me with confidence either. Remember the nursery rhyme? jack and Jill both died.

Funny Rules for Dieting

2009-01-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

How To Know You Drive Too Fast

2009-01-16T02:01:00.000-08:00

You are the first person to be put on the FBI's most wanted list just for speeding.

Your friends car pool with you not to save gas but to save time.

You need three states just to go on a joy ride.

You have a suspended drivers license in all 50 states.

When you stop you leave a mile long skid mark.

You married your wife because she had a corvette.

Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is even faster."

You get blisters from your gas pedal.

Your car won't start unless it has 110 octane gas in it.

You get pulled over even when your not speeding just to get a warning not to speed.

You always leave at the last minute but you're never late.

Your friends leave a hour before you do just so you can meet them at the same time.

You don't wear a seatbelt, you wear a crash helmet.

Your speed gauge is stuck in the max speed position.

You can go through three drive thrus at the same time.

There's a radar detector named after you.

Really Funny Famous Last Words

2009-01-16T01:59:00.000-08:00

"I'll get a world record for this."

"It's fireproof."

"He's probably just hibernating."

"What does this button do?"

"I'm making a citizen's arrest."

"So, you're a cannibal..."

"It's probably just a rash."

"Are you sure the power is off?"

"Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?"

"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"

"Pull the pin and count to what?"

"Which wire was I supposed to cut?"

"I wonder where the mother bear is?"

"I've seen this done on TV."

"These are the good kind of mushrooms."

"I'll hold it and you light the fuse."

"Let it down slowly."

"Rat poison only kills rats."

"Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town."

"It's strong enough for both of us."

"This doesn't taste right."

"I can make this light before it changes."

"Nice doggie."

"I can do that with my eyes closed."

"I've done this before."

"Well, we've made it this far."

"That's odd."

"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?"

"Don't be so superstitious."

"Now watch this..."

"What duck?"

A Friend's Oath Joke

2009-01-16T01:56:00.000-08:00

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/bitch who made you sad.

When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath; I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.

Funny Weird Ad Dentist and Jeans

2009-01-16T01:53:00.000-08:00

Thanks to My Dentist Im wearing my favorite jeans again. Im sorry, what? Teeth have what to do with jeans exactly? You needed your teeth to get them on? That is some weird crazy dentist.

Funny Headlines Big Rack Female Deer

2009-01-16T01:52:00.000-08:00

The beauty of News Headlines - Deer With Big Rack Female. Yes, not the best choice of words. Avioid the word rack in future ok?

Funny Ads Titanic Canoe Rental

2009-01-16T01:46:00.000-08:00

Titanic Canoe Rental - The best canoes on the kickapoo. Hmm, im not sure that Titanic is a name that i would use to create trust in a boat hire business. It did sink you know.

Funny Bumper Stickers Obama 08

2009-01-15T21:35:00.000-08:00

Yep, when you have to support Barack Obama but they dont have any stickers left. See how popular Obama was?

Funny Advice Ad for Witchcraft

2009-01-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

Recieve help for depression, sickness and witchcraft. Huh, Witchcraft? Yes, thats obviously a common household complaint. Maybe this is an advisory service or counselling available in Salem.

Funny Stupid Names Photo Will Tickle

2009-01-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

Doctor Will Tickel? Is this guy's name for real? Yeah, im sure thats a doctor i would take seriously. Patients would be on edge that he wouldnt launch into a little tickling effort to put asmile on your face.

Funny Photos Lunge Ball Before After

2009-01-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

Lunge and Med ball before and after photo. I dont get it. What exactly is the benefit to this lunge ball?

Funny Photos Overloaded Street Sweeper

2009-01-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

Maybe this is an overloadd street sweeper cart - or maybe its a salesman and he sells brooms and dustpans door to door.