Got to love new inventions coming out of Japan. A toilet roll that attaches to your head so you can use it for tissues to blow your nose. Clever, and altogether really stupid.
Toilet Paper for Flu Invention
Got to love new inventions coming out of Japan. A toilet roll that attaches to your head so you can use it for tissues to blow your nose. Clever, and altogether really stupid.
Drinking Too Much Coffee? Do you do this?
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
* Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
* Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Bottled Water Man Picture
There must be some value in empty bottles of water. That is a big collection this man is carrying.
More Funny Times at Your Supermarket
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
Toilet paper as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
During announcements over the PA, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.
If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
Toilet paper as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
During announcements over the PA, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.
If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Real Men Superbowl & Crafts
What women really want from their men. In case you cant read the caption, "Ooh look, the NFL Playoffs are today. I bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair"
Crazy Kissing Oompa Loompas
I really dont think Oompa Loompas should kiss. Certainly not in public anyway. Im sure they would have a song about this.
Weird Marriage Names Gowen Geter
Now that is a weird and funny marriage name combination. Gowen Geter - Go and Get Her. Get it? I cant say that she looks so happy about getting married in this photo? Actually, they both look rather unimpressed. Marriage sometimes does that to people. So im told anyway.
Swimming The English Channel
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
Bad Marriage Names McDonalds
Now that is some bad marriage name combination. Macdonald Berger. Im glad he isnt a large guy, otherwise it could have been Big Mac Berger.
Priests, Rabbi and Money Joke
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.
The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"
The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"
Strong Child Lifts Car Superboy?
Is this Superboy? Im sure i remember Superman as a boy lifting a car off his father. Not many kids can lift a car with just one hand.
I Know Everybody Joke
Eugene was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Eugene how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Eugene and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Eugene! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Eugene's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Eugene that he thinks Eugene's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Eugene says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Eugene says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Eugene on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Eugene, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Eugene, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Eugene.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Eugene and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Eugene says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Eugene emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Eugene returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Eugene asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Eugene?"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Eugene how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Eugene and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Eugene! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Eugene's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Eugene that he thinks Eugene's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Eugene says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Eugene says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Eugene on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Eugene, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Eugene, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Eugene.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Eugene and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Eugene says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Eugene emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Eugene returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Eugene asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Eugene?"
Wheres the Hammer Joke
A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.' Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'
Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer.'
Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'
The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'
Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived nextdoor to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'
Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer.'
Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'
The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'
Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived nextdoor to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'
Police Car Under Fighter Jet Crushed
Im trying to work out why or how there is a police car under a fighter jet, crushed. Did the police car drive under here, or did the pilot land on top of the car? Hard to tell. I kinda suspect that this may be from a movie set. Given the badly damaged state of the car, i hope so.
Disturbing Nun Joke
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of porn magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Floating Crane Restaurant
This floating crane restuarant certainly wouldnt suit people who are afraid of heights. People like me. I cant say that id be able to eat anything.
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