A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Flood Water Skiing Photo
Make the most of the floods, attach a rope to the back of a car and take your board out for a ski.
Funny Blonde In Space Joke
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a blonde woman on board. The control centre is the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says... "I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says... "I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."
Amusing Wonder Sauna Hot Pants
The wonder sauna hot pants reduces waist, tummy, hips and thighs. They also make you look like a total dick. Comment please if you ever had a pair of these hot pants, and i want descriptions of their results please..
747 Beach Landing Air France
Im not sure how much peace and serenity oyu would get on this beach with an aircraft flying so low overhead. I think this one is Air France and the runway is just past the beach. I wouldnt be going to that beach - thats just me..
Old Man and Rolls Royce Joke
The old guy was backing his Rolls Royce into the last available parking space when
a quick red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.
The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Old Fella, but you've got to be young
and smart to do that."
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls Royce had crunched
the sports car into a crumpled heap.
"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"
a quick red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.
The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Old Fella, but you've got to be young
and smart to do that."
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls Royce had crunched
the sports car into a crumpled heap.
"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"
Bad Day Heaven Entry Joke
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, and hiding inside a refrigerator...."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, and hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Funny Car Rally Photo
Crazy Car Rally Photographers. Ive always thought that spectators at car rallies were really weird. Just tempting fate. This just confirms my theory. These arent professional photographers, these are just regular fans waiting to die.
Priest Bishop Vader Church Service
A Bishop? Priest? No, its Vader, Darth Vader. "I could kill you with a single thought" I didnt know that Darth Vader and the dark side had converted to Christianity. Funny guy hey?
Paddy and Murphy Wallpaper Joke
Paddy decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that Murphy who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," Paddy asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"That's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."
"Murphy," Paddy asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"That's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."
Believe in God Joke
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Surfing With Sharks Danger
On seeing this shark in the water, im finally happy to say that i cant surf. This guy on the surfboard has a wetsuit all in black, and could easliy mistaken for a seal. Not a safe place to be. Unless of course its a trick of the light and its actually a dolphin, then all is ok...There have been lots of reports of shark attacks in Australia recently. I think i would like to stay in the shallows.
Oops Funny Car Park Photo
Yes, this is a big oops. Thankfully this car stopped where it did. Its not the best place to park in the carpark is it?
Funny Slam Dunk Cat Photo
Looks like we could have a good little basketball cat on our hands. Slam dunk for this kitty.
Funny Watch Out for the Snake Picture
Yeah, so the next time you are out on the tennis court with a snake, be careful, this could happen. Why is there a snake on the tennis court anyway? I hope its not the Australian Open, some dangerous snakes down under.
Blonde School Counseller Joke
A blonde began a job as a school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Ok," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Ok," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."
Look Who's 30 Birthday Photo
Very surprising that Mike made it to 30 years old. Thats a big bottle of liquor he is carrying.
Funny Teenagers Parking Joke
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot at night overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man.
"I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man.
"I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
Funny Crime to Wear Saggy Pants in Flint
Im trying to work out if this is serious. According to this funny news report, its a crime to wear saggy pants in Flint. This message from the Flint Police Department. Punishment is from 93 days to a year in jail and or up to $500 in fines. Im hoping this is an April Fools Prank. Otherwise it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase Fashion Crimes.
Cheap Bar Buisness Joke
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
How to Work from Home Picture
How to work from home. Yes, i think "Pimp" Jimmy is expecting people to do a little more than sleep when they stay in bed. Who would have thought that they were advertising for these positions now.
Smart Professor and Students Joke
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave, with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction.
Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them, "You have 1 hour to complete the exam."
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.
Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them, "You have 1 hour to complete the exam."
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.
Blonde's Car and Hailstorm Joke
A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over, she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.
The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.
She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.
The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."
The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.
She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.
The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."
Dont Smoke and Drink Joke
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Funny News Car Hits Boy Car Damaged
Hilarious. Seriously funny. Car hits boy and car damaged. And this kid is only eleven years old! He suffered only a bruised knee, the car got a shattered windshield and dented fender. I love the photo too, its almost out of a far side cartoon by Gary Larson. I think this kid, Jason, might be a boy of steel.
Dating Daughters Rhyme Joke
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed, says, "Yes." The two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed, says, "Yes." The two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.
Funny Voyeur at the Triathlon
Ive seen some innapropriate TV shots in my time, but this is quite crazy. What is the need for this shot of this girl at the Triathlon? Comments please...
Funny Volkswagen and Trailer
Hey, so why not make a trailer out of an old volkswagen beetle body. Its a great idea. Looks like this one is carrying a Vespa motorbike scooter.
Funny Island Pick Up Truck
This is one funny practical joke, digging a hole or moat around a pick up truck, and filling it with water. How would you get your truck out of there?
Funny Asian Tow Trucks
These look like really long 3 wheeled bikes. Or mini tow trucks. Weird. How could one of these carry another 3 behind it?
Really Stupid Globe For Kids Ad
Who in the adverting department came up with this gem for the world globe? Nope, the kid's pen isnt pointing to Boston. Hey, it isnt even pointing to the United States. Yes kids, thats India. Some strange ads out there.
How To Know if You Should Diet
Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?
After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?
After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?
Great Headline Funny News
Police arrest everyone? Surely this headline has got it wrong? What did everyone do wrong on February 22....or what will they do wrong?
Funny Before and After Beauty Photo
How funny is this before and after beauty treatment ad? They cant be serious. Surely, even the disclaimer that results may vary couldnt justify this?
Star Wars Vs Harry Potter
Just in case you thought that Harry Potter and Star Wars were two separate unrelated movies. This is very clever.
Funny Engineer Mistress Joke
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they ask.
The engineer replies, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they ask.
The engineer replies, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Funny Travelling Salesman Joke
A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the so-called eye.
In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs Smith.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."
In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs Smith.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."
Funny Sobriety Cop Test
A man in a hurry to get to work at the circus was speeding and got stopped by the Highway Patrol. The patrolman was suspicious and asked the driver to open the trunk for a routine search. To his surprise, there were dozens of large knives in the trunk. The driver began to explain that he juggled the knives at the circus and was running late for the show.
The patrolman asked for a demonstration to prove it, so the driver began to juggle. Just at this moment a couple passed by on the interstate and observed this strange scene.
The woman remarked, "My, my! Those sobriety tests get harder every year, don't they?"
The patrolman asked for a demonstration to prove it, so the driver began to juggle. Just at this moment a couple passed by on the interstate and observed this strange scene.
The woman remarked, "My, my! Those sobriety tests get harder every year, don't they?"
Funny Catholic Nun Joke
There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a Notre Dame football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.
So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), " I think I want to move to California; there are only 100 Catholics living there."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington; there are only 50 Catholics living there."
The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho; there are only 25 Catholics living there."
One of the nuns turns around and looks them all in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell; there aren't any Catholics there."
So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), " I think I want to move to California; there are only 100 Catholics living there."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington; there are only 50 Catholics living there."
The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho; there are only 25 Catholics living there."
One of the nuns turns around and looks them all in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell; there aren't any Catholics there."
Single Wheel Motorbike Photo
Im not sure what the story is here with this single wheel motorbike. Im guessing that the outside part of the wheel moves, not all of it. Otherwise it might get a little dizzy.
Funny Scary Santa Photo
No this kid does not look happy to be sitting on Santa's lap. Surprising, he looks like one of the more believable santas ive seen. Is it just me or do Santa's look different these days? I imagine them all to look like this guy.
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