I knew that static electricity had some energy and power but this is just crazy. The girls hair is literally standing on end.
Funny Scary Static Electricity Photo
I knew that static electricity had some energy and power but this is just crazy. The girls hair is literally standing on end.
Funny Unfair Sumo Match Kid
Thats a bit of an unfair sumo match. Unless this kid is really quick and smart. Kind of like Cary Elwes against Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride. Great Movie. Anyway, i think this is just a set up. Id hate for this to be an "in my belly" type moment.
Funn Tennis Photo Big Top
Funn Tennis Player Photo. Who is this guy? Comments please, im really bad with Tennis players. Im still in the era of Ivan Lendl, Stefan Edberg and Mats Wilander. Anyway, this guy looks like he has something under his top. Like an alien growing out of his stomach. Im sure its just the effort his is putting into his shot.
Funny Photos Pepsi Posse Kills Coke
Im trying to think of some headlines for the dead coke can. Coke Can Killed by Gang of Pepsi Hoodlums. Or Pepsi Posse kills the Coke. Maybe Coke Head Crushed by Rivals. Any thoughts? Leave a comment with your best headline.
Sharing Old Couple Joke
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
Funny Photos Peeing Statues
Grown Men Peeing Statues? Somebody calls this art. I call this stupid...but just a little bit funny.
Funny Photos Packed Train Subway Station
Oh My God. How packed is this subway platform? One wrong move, or one little push, and a whole bunch of people will be on the train tracks. Just one quick question, how do the people who want to depart the train actually get off? Like where could they possibly go? Funny and weird. Some barriers might be appropriate here.
Jesus Stands in For St Peter Joke
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
Funny Helpful Priest Joke
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Funny Photos Tuk Tuk Overloaded
Im not sure why this tuk tuk has collapsed back. It doesnt look too overloaded. Maybe its just broken. Given the way some of these tuk tuks get driven, it doesnt surprise me. Some drivers are good, others, make sure you say a prayer and close your eyes.
Funny Supermarket Joke New Broom
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worr lady," replied the cashier. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have, you'll be home in no time."
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worr lady," replied the cashier. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have, you'll be home in no time."
Funny Vegetable Photos Huge Cauliflower
That is one massive cauliflower. What on earth do they feed these things to make them grow so big? First Prize Fella!
Funny Photos Spiderman as Old Man
What will Spiderman look like when he gets old? This photo is your answer. Loose suit and no hair. Not a superhero now hey?
Funny Classifieds Jack and Kill Child Care
Im not sending any kids to the Jack and Kill Childcare. It may be just me, but it doesnt sound so safe. Hey, even if they spelt it correctly, Jack and Jill doesnt instill me with confidence either. Remember the nursery rhyme? jack and Jill both died.
Funny Rules for Dieting
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
How To Know You Drive Too Fast
You are the first person to be put on the FBI's most wanted list just for speeding.
Your friends car pool with you not to save gas but to save time.
You need three states just to go on a joy ride.
You have a suspended drivers license in all 50 states.
When you stop you leave a mile long skid mark.
You married your wife because she had a corvette.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is even faster."
You get blisters from your gas pedal.
Your car won't start unless it has 110 octane gas in it.
You get pulled over even when your not speeding just to get a warning not to speed.
You always leave at the last minute but you're never late.
Your friends leave a hour before you do just so you can meet them at the same time.
You don't wear a seatbelt, you wear a crash helmet.
Your speed gauge is stuck in the max speed position.
You can go through three drive thrus at the same time.
There's a radar detector named after you.
Your friends car pool with you not to save gas but to save time.
You need three states just to go on a joy ride.
You have a suspended drivers license in all 50 states.
When you stop you leave a mile long skid mark.
You married your wife because she had a corvette.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is even faster."
You get blisters from your gas pedal.
Your car won't start unless it has 110 octane gas in it.
You get pulled over even when your not speeding just to get a warning not to speed.
You always leave at the last minute but you're never late.
Your friends leave a hour before you do just so you can meet them at the same time.
You don't wear a seatbelt, you wear a crash helmet.
Your speed gauge is stuck in the max speed position.
You can go through three drive thrus at the same time.
There's a radar detector named after you.
Really Funny Famous Last Words
"I'll get a world record for this."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a citizen's arrest."
"So, you're a cannibal..."
"It's probably just a rash."
"Are you sure the power is off?"
"Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire was I supposed to cut?"
"I wonder where the mother bear is?"
"I've seen this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
"I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"Let it down slowly."
"Rat poison only kills rats."
"Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town."
"It's strong enough for both of us."
"This doesn't taste right."
"I can make this light before it changes."
"Nice doggie."
"I can do that with my eyes closed."
"I've done this before."
"Well, we've made it this far."
"That's odd."
"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?"
"Don't be so superstitious."
"Now watch this..."
"What duck?"
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a citizen's arrest."
"So, you're a cannibal..."
"It's probably just a rash."
"Are you sure the power is off?"
"Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire was I supposed to cut?"
"I wonder where the mother bear is?"
"I've seen this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
"I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"Let it down slowly."
"Rat poison only kills rats."
"Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town."
"It's strong enough for both of us."
"This doesn't taste right."
"I can make this light before it changes."
"Nice doggie."
"I can do that with my eyes closed."
"I've done this before."
"Well, we've made it this far."
"That's odd."
"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?"
"Don't be so superstitious."
"Now watch this..."
"What duck?"
A Friend's Oath Joke
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/bitch who made you sad.
When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath; I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.
When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath; I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.
Funny Weird Ad Dentist and Jeans
Thanks to My Dentist Im wearing my favorite jeans again. Im sorry, what? Teeth have what to do with jeans exactly? You needed your teeth to get them on? That is some weird crazy dentist.
Funny Headlines Big Rack Female Deer
The beauty of News Headlines - Deer With Big Rack Female. Yes, not the best choice of words. Avioid the word rack in future ok?
Funny Ads Titanic Canoe Rental
Titanic Canoe Rental - The best canoes on the kickapoo. Hmm, im not sure that Titanic is a name that i would use to create trust in a boat hire business. It did sink you know.
Funny Bumper Stickers Obama 08
Yep, when you have to support Barack Obama but they dont have any stickers left. See how popular Obama was?
Funny Advice Ad for Witchcraft
Recieve help for depression, sickness and witchcraft. Huh, Witchcraft? Yes, thats obviously a common household complaint. Maybe this is an advisory service or counselling available in Salem.
Funny Stupid Names Photo Will Tickle
Doctor Will Tickel? Is this guy's name for real? Yeah, im sure thats a doctor i would take seriously. Patients would be on edge that he wouldnt launch into a little tickling effort to put asmile on your face.
Funny Photos Lunge Ball Before After
Lunge and Med ball before and after photo. I dont get it. What exactly is the benefit to this lunge ball?
Funny Photos Overloaded Street Sweeper
Maybe this is an overloadd street sweeper cart - or maybe its a salesman and he sells brooms and dustpans door to door.
How to Have Fun at the Supermarket
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball - see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Tell an employee in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along.
Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball - see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Tell an employee in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along.
Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
Funny Old Bad Hearing Joke
Andy, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Andy walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Andy and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Andy replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Andy and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Andy replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'
Real Sick Day Work Excuses
These are real excuses offered up by employees to employers last year. Use them at your peril...
1. At her sister’s wedding, an employee chipped her tooth on a mint julep, bent over to spit it out, hit her head on a keg and was knocked unconscious.
2. While at a circus, a tiger urinated on the employee’s ear, causing an ear infection.
3. An employee’s dog wasn’t feeling well, so the employee tasted the dog’s food and then got sick.
4. “Someone put LSD in my salad.”
5. An employee’s roommate locked all his clothes in a shed for spite.
6. “Stuck on an island – canoe floated away.”
7. An employee was upset because his favorite "American Idol" contestant was voted off.
8. “I didn’t think I had to come in if I had time in my vacation bank. I thought I could take it whenever I wanted.”
9. An employee said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to rest up for the company’s holiday party that night.
10. A groundhog bit the employee’s car tire, causing it to go flat.
1. At her sister’s wedding, an employee chipped her tooth on a mint julep, bent over to spit it out, hit her head on a keg and was knocked unconscious.
2. While at a circus, a tiger urinated on the employee’s ear, causing an ear infection.
3. An employee’s dog wasn’t feeling well, so the employee tasted the dog’s food and then got sick.
4. “Someone put LSD in my salad.”
5. An employee’s roommate locked all his clothes in a shed for spite.
6. “Stuck on an island – canoe floated away.”
7. An employee was upset because his favorite "American Idol" contestant was voted off.
8. “I didn’t think I had to come in if I had time in my vacation bank. I thought I could take it whenever I wanted.”
9. An employee said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to rest up for the company’s holiday party that night.
10. A groundhog bit the employee’s car tire, causing it to go flat.
Funny Engineering Students Joke
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Funny Criminal Joke - Man Wants Burglar Information
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Funny Beer Photos New Office Water Cooler
Now this is an office id like to work in - a water cooler now used as a beer cooler. Great ad by Heineken. All those conversations that take place around the water cooler, now will be held next to the beer cooler. Fantastic.
Funny Car Photos Insured by Mafia
Insured by Mafia - You Hit Me We Hit You. Yes, this is a car i would keep my distance from. Dont mess with the Mafia. Funny licence plate.
Classic Funny Old Couple Memory Joke
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Funny Animals Cat and Mouse
What a cute cat and mouse pic. Great place for a cat to hide - between the keyboard and the mouse. I wonder if the cat has any practical purpose for the computer.
Funny CD Player New Car Stereo
I wonder if a CD rom could actually be hooked up to a car stereo and work? Its got to be there for some reason. Odd.
Funny Motorised Scooter Couple
Now thats a funny motorised scooter. Who is driving this thing, the husband or the wife? Top ten photos for this one - i love it.
Hillbilly Goes to College Joke
A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home.
They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, "Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"
"Ok, Pa", the son said, "Pi R squared."
After a moment the Dad said, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square."
They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, "Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"
"Ok, Pa", the son said, "Pi R squared."
After a moment the Dad said, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square."
Salesman and Old Widow Joke
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
Funny Modern House Photo
Actually im sure this isnt a house. I think it is probably something that an artist got paid thousands and thousands of dollars to make. You know, its like, art.
Elderly Woman and Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's milk and I sleep better at night."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's milk and I sleep better at night."
Great Medical Dictionary Terms
Artery - Study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section - District in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - Sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is
Diarrhea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
G.I. Series - Soldiers' ball game
Grippe - Suitcase
Hangnail - Coathook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain - Torture in a teepee
Labor pain - Got hurt at work
Medical staff - Doctor's cane
Morbid - Higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - Person who had fainted
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis
Post operative - Letter carrier
Protein - Favoring young people
Rectum - It almost killed him
Recovery room - Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - Amorous
Scar - Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - Study of knighthood
Tablet - Small table
Terminal illness - Sickness at airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose - Located nearby
Vein - Conceited
Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section - District in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - Sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is
Diarrhea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
G.I. Series - Soldiers' ball game
Grippe - Suitcase
Hangnail - Coathook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain - Torture in a teepee
Labor pain - Got hurt at work
Medical staff - Doctor's cane
Morbid - Higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - Person who had fainted
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis
Post operative - Letter carrier
Protein - Favoring young people
Rectum - It almost killed him
Recovery room - Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - Amorous
Scar - Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - Study of knighthood
Tablet - Small table
Terminal illness - Sickness at airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose - Located nearby
Vein - Conceited
Funny Brunette and Genie Joke
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
18 Wheeler Trucker Joke
A man’s driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab, runs back and bangs on the truck door.
After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row, the car driver follows him until he pulls into a parking lot. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out, runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door.
The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the truck-driver replies, "Sorry mate, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row, the car driver follows him until he pulls into a parking lot. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out, runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door.
The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the truck-driver replies, "Sorry mate, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
Englishman, Candadian and American Joke
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists. The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
Single Mother From the South Joke
A single mum from the south goes to social security to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the social security officer.
"10", she answers.
"10???" asks the social security officer. "What are their names?"
"Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Bob"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the mother "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout "BOB ,YER DINNER'S READY" or "BOB,GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?", says the disturbed social security officer
"That's easy," says the mother..."I just use their surnames"
"How many children?" asks the social security officer.
"10", she answers.
"10???" asks the social security officer. "What are their names?"
"Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Bob"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the mother "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout "BOB ,YER DINNER'S READY" or "BOB,GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?", says the disturbed social security officer
"That's easy," says the mother..."I just use their surnames"
Middle East Car Park Photo
Well, there is something that looks like a ramp, so why not park your car there. Some crazy stuff going on in the middle east.
Replace Your Missing Mercedes Badge
How to replace your missing mercedes badge. Just get an old coat hanger or some wire and twist it into the right shape. Simple hey?
12 Step Program to Stop Forwarding Emails
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard- of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard- of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
North And South Woman Joke
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?"
The southern woman thinks about this for a second. "Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?"
The southern woman thinks about this for a second. "Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
How Laundry Is Really Done
You see, even at the laundromat there is a woman working inside the machine, slaving away to get your clothes clean. Great advertising.
New Toyota Trailer For Sale
So when the front of your Toyota has had it, you can still use the tray from the pick up. Just attach it to some farm animals and away you go.
Latest Nokia 8800 Phone
Ahh, more clever graffiti. Not quite a Nokia 8800. Just a regular old wall phone.
Huge Road Train in Asia
That is some really long road train, being pulled by a really small tractor. I love the red umbrella.
Real Life Funny Kids Sayings
Yes, Kids can come up with the funniest things.
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier.
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute.
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier.
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute.
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Funny Weird Life Questions
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
How to Know You Are On a Low Cost Airline
* They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
* All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
* Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
* If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
* You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
* Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes
* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
* All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
* Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
* If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
* You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
* Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes
* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Find Your Lost Contacts Joke
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Just Divorced Celebration Car
Nice to know that celebrations and parties arent just for getting married. You can do the same thing when you get a divorce, as this car shows. They must be happy.
Junk Rubbish River Boat
Oh My God is all i can say to the amount of rubbish in this river. Oh my god.
Indian Commandos in Action
Yes, most of them have guns. Two of them are using their hands as guns, just like we did when we were kids. Got to love Indian Commandos.
Funny Goose Bus Photo
Geese on a bus? Im finding this hard to believe. What is keeping them on top of the bus, they dont look tied up, so hard to think they are off to market. Maybe there is some cage wire there i cant see. Maybe they decided not to fly south for winter this year, but rather catch public transport? Much easier, and they probably dont even need a ticket. This is very odd - id appreciate comments or suggestions.
Classic Important Sayings for Life
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Blonde Employee Passwords
A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Funny Goldfish Bowl Earrings
Goldfish earrings and one really stupid hat. Oh, some crazy glasses too. I hope this guy is off to a fancy dress party. Otherwise he is mad and should be sent away to a place where nobody can see him again.
Let Go and Get On with Life Advice
Some funny advice on how to let go, accepting the way things are and moving forward.
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Cute Funny Girl & Dolls Praying
Prayers before bed time are always a good idea. And if you can get others like your dolls to join in, then all the better. What a cute little girl!
The Wrong Gifts for Valentines Advice
Take note guys, this is what not to buy for Valentines for your lady:
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Jackie Chan or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop or worse, a fnuneral home's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from a hardware store.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Jackie Chan or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop or worse, a fnuneral home's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from a hardware store.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
How To Stay Positive In Marriage
Always Think of Something Thoughtful to Say:
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Stupid Driver You Forgot the Pump
Now there is a stupid driver. Im glad someone had the smarts to take this photo. Goes to show that just because you drive a BMW, it doesnt mean you have intelligence. How does a person manage to leave a gas station without detaching the gas pump hose? Stupid stupid people.
Funny Really Close Urinals
Somewhat of a bad design for these urinals wouldnt you say? How do two people go at once? Some stupid people out there.
Funny Rude Washington Monument
Carefully planned photo or just a coincidence? Either way, it does look like the Washington Monument is growing out of his pants. Now thats just rude.
Gambling With Your last Quarter
Alfred is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Alfred goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Alfred goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"
Clever Eggplant Grocer Joke
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
Funny Mother's Definitions
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
How to Know You Drink Too Much Coffee
* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
A Strange Lawyer Joke
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange".
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange".
Snowman Protest Beware of Climate Change
Snowmen are an endangered species if Climate Change and Golbal Warming continue. Does that mean we wouldnt have any more Frosty the Snowman songs and stories at Christmas? Might have to be Sandy the Surfer instead. I like the umbrella on the snowman at the back. Trying to protect himself from the elements.
Classic Old Car Beverly Hillbilly
Kind of looks like a car that might come from the Beverly Hillbillies. Full of junk. And they still allow this car on the road.
Funny Skunk Eats Dog Food
I dont think this is Pepe Le Pew. But it is a skunk. And he is eating from the Dog Bowl. I think i would be like the dog too. Sitting back and waiting. He knows not to get too close to a skunk. He's not a stupid dog.
Monkey Checks His Hair In Mirror
How do i look? Not bad, not bad at all. And you thought monkeys werent vain! This monkey has decided to make sure he looks ok, and that his hair is all in the right place. Why not use the rear vision mirror of a motorbike? Better than carrying around a pocket mirror.
Beware Statues Have Ears
Its not only the walls that have ears, statues do too. Maybe this guy on his cell phone is disclosing state secrets. Im glad we have statues keeping an ear out for this kind of dangerous activity.
Funny Blonde in a Rowboat Joke
A blonde is driving down a country road. She looks over to the right, and sees another blond, in a row boat, out in the middle of a field, rowing.
The first blond can't believe her eyes, stops the car, and gets out to look at the blond in the rowboat. The longer she looks, the madder she gets.
Finally she says: "You know, it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. You're just sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat rowing. That's so stupid! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
The first blond can't believe her eyes, stops the car, and gets out to look at the blond in the rowboat. The longer she looks, the madder she gets.
Finally she says: "You know, it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. You're just sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat rowing. That's so stupid! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Funny Rattlesnake Bite Joke
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the backside by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
Little Old Lady and Her Cash Joke
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Darn!" says the little old lady.I'll better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Brigley Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Darn!" says the little old lady.I'll better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Brigley Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."
Forgetful Mixed Up Nurse Joke
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Bridie. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "
She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Bridie to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Bridie to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Funny Dog Pulling Car
Maybe this is a bone and stick approach? Im pretty sure that even this strong dog couldnt pull a car no matter what the incentive is.
Funny Fresh Coffee Vending Machine
Always nice to see that even from a coffee vending machine, there is someone inside ready to make your fresh brew. Thats clever advertising.
Free Air Guitars
Free Air Guitars! I love this sign. Just so funny. Some really clever advertising company has cme up with this. Top marks to them.
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