"Just look out for me, i'll be wearing a white shirt" Ummm. Now that is some busy crowded street. Thousands and thousands of people doing im not sure what. Odd.
Crazy Busy Crowded Street
"Just look out for me, i'll be wearing a white shirt" Ummm. Now that is some busy crowded street. Thousands and thousands of people doing im not sure what. Odd.
Up the Creek Without a Paddle Photo
This is the solution to when you are up the creek without a paddle. Thats right, a paddle store at shit creek. Its a business opportunity thats for sure. Clever business name really.
Truck Driver, Priest and Lawyers Joke
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
Funny Sheep Drinking from Water Fountain
Now this is something that you dont see every day. A smart sheep drinking from a water fountain. Hey, when you are thirsty....Look even the little kid in the pram in the background is amazed. So am i. How could you teach a sheep to drink like this?
Overloaded Trucks in the Desert Photo
That is some serious load on these trucks in the desert. Not only do they have a large collection of goods to transport, but they have people as well. Im thinking that would be slow going.
The Two Drunk Irish Strangers Joke
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
George W Bush and Moses Joke
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
Oops My Fly is Undone Soldier Marching
What options does this soldier have? With a fly undone, or a split in his pants, he doesnt have much choice. he just has to keep marching. Now thats embarassing.
Funny Fish Man Head Photo
It does kind of look as if this man has a fish as a head. Thats a mighty big mouth too. Hang on, thats also one big fish!
Funny New DVD Technology Photo
The latest in DVD Technology - a DVD Rewinder. An innovation every house needs. Just $19.95 per month over 4 months. Bargain. Now thats a funny image.
Will I Live To 100 Years?
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
The Dont Smoke Bus Photo
Thats one smoking bus. This is really smart advertising, a nice picture of a man's head with a cigar, just abouve the exhaust pipe. It would be smoking all day long given that this looks like a cold place. Might not work so well in summer.
Alex Has a Birthday Surprise Joke
Alex works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Tori, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Alex, how ya doing?"
Tori is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Alex. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Alex if he'd like his usual Miller.
Tori is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Miller."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Alex. "Hi Alex," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Tori, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Alex follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Tori can slam the door, Alex jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Alex."
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Alex, how ya doing?"
Tori is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Alex. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Alex if he'd like his usual Miller.
Tori is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Miller."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Alex. "Hi Alex," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Tori, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Alex follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Tori can slam the door, Alex jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Alex."
Very Dangerous Toilet Photo
Ahh, yes. I cant say that i would be using a toilet that sits on the edge of a cliff or mountain. Its strikes me as being just a little dangerous. Imagine how scary it would be wanting to go in the middle of the night.
Funny Fireman Posing For Photo
"Hey guys, i just want to get a shot of you while you are all together". Hmm, a little worrying to have a burning house in the background, but a group of smiling fireman, without a hose in their hands, standing and posing for a photo. Disturbing, but altogether very funny.
A Cowboys Rules for Life Joke
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Cats and Dogs - Men and Women Joke
This is very true - listen up.
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Smart Blond Number Licence Plate
Yes, i think this Blond Licence Plate is hung back to front on this nice black BMW convertible for a reason. A bit tongue in cheek. Hey, they must be a pretty smart blonde anyway - thats one hell of a nice car.
Funny Hospital Bed Racing Car
I think this is a hospital bed. It looks like the doctor is driving and the nurse or patient is the navigator. I love this, im not sure where there are going, but it seems like one hell of a race. Probbaly for charity. I hope so.
Very Funny Computer Male or Female Joke
What Gender is a Compter, male or female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'pencil' or 'table,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'pencil' or 'table,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
.
Smart Old Woman and Facelift Joke
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
New Code Word for Confession Joke
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
How Athletes Get into College Exam Test Joke
The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
A Wedding in County Cork Joke
A wedding occurred in County Cork in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the hell out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cork wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the hell out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cork wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
Praying to God for a Million Dollars
God, I was wondering...how long is a million years to you?"
God answered, "Son, a million years to me is like a second to you."
So the man asks, "God how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God answered, "Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you."
So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God answers, "Just a second son."
God answered, "Son, a million years to me is like a second to you."
So the man asks, "God how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God answered, "Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you."
So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God answers, "Just a second son."
Wife and Husband No Barbeque Joke
This man walks into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says "My God, your ass is getting as big as a barbeque".
That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky.
She turns to him and says "If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you're crazy".
That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky.
She turns to him and says "If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you're crazy".
Jewish School Kid Finds Christ Joke
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,
"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,
"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
Cheating Husbands Go to Heaven
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven.
So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.
The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.
Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said "she was riding a skateboard"
So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.
The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.
Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said "she was riding a skateboard"
Old Woman Charged With Murder Joke
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
28 Days Blonde Joke
A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting "28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks "What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??"
All the blondes say "We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!"
How To Know Where Your Taxi Driver Comes From
One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.
One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper,foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.
One hand on wheel, one hand on non fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.
One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS.
One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper,foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.
One hand on wheel, one hand on non fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.
One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS.
Yet More Great Advice on How to Annoy Your Wife
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with, No that's not what..
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with, No that's not what..
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
Great Tips to Annoy Your Wife
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work, lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ***** isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work, lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ***** isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
Really Smart Lawyer Defending Arm
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a very creative smart defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
The Wheelchair Swing
Im scratching my head to work out why there would be a wheelchair as part of kids swings. I will have to study this one. Very odd photo.
The Funny Watermelon Bus Stop Photo
So if the bus stop is a watermelon, what is the Bus? A banana? Or maybe a Pineapple. "Next Stop, Watermelon, followed by Pumpkin, then Passionfruit"
Volkswagen Kombi Motorbike Sidecar
Im not quite sure who would fit into this Volkswagen Kombi sidecar to a motorbike. Maybe a little dog or maybe even a child. Good sidecar for hippies.
Funny Envelopes for the New Manager Joke
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first" and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for everything".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for everything".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".
Funny What Engineers Really Mean
A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)
All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
Years of development. (One finally worked)
Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)
All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
Years of development. (One finally worked)
Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
Funny Tree Bench Chair Swallowed Up
The tree attacked the bench chair in the park. It just did it over many many years. Id just like to ask the question, how did nobody see this coming? The park bench didnt just suddenly get covered up by the tree.
Another Set Of Work Laws Jokes
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
The Laws Of Work Humor
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Terms to Understand When Job Hunting
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait
30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
We have no time to train you.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait
30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Cop Arrives Home Early Joke
A police officer, though booked for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Mitchell, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Mitchell, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Blondes Can Be Smart Too Joke
A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps bugging her until she agrees.
He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she can’t answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him aQuestion and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he asks, "Who was thelast person to sign the Declaration of independence?"
She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a Hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives Up and gives her $50.
The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.
Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What was the answer?"
Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a$5.00 bill.
He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she can’t answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him aQuestion and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he asks, "Who was thelast person to sign the Declaration of independence?"
She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a Hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives Up and gives her $50.
The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.
Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What was the answer?"
Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a$5.00 bill.
New Train Bike Invented
So if you miss the train, you can always hop on your bike, and follow the tracks. Probably best not to use this on train lines that are still in operation. As good as this railway bike is, i doubt it could outrun a real train.
Funny Tour De France Exercise Bike
I just love this. Always good to keep in with the spirit of the Tour De France by setting up your own bike and outfit and waving to the riders. So a Pink Exercise bike has got to be the go. Well done fella, i like the cut of your jib.
Many GPS In Case you Get Lost
Ahh, how many do you actually need? I think the constant distraction of numerous voices might send me a little crazy. But, it always pays to get second opinions.
Clever But Stupid Real Criminal
Authorities said a Sarasota man about to be pulled over by police tried to lure officers away by making a fake 911 call. Officers said they were following a 28-year-old man's car Monday to make a traffic stop when they got a 911 call for an armed robbery happening several blocks away.
The man's plan seemed to work at first when the officers cut off their chase to answer the call. But then other officers in the area followed him into a parking lot and saw a gun in his car.
Officer's determined that the man was a felon and not allowed to possess a firearm. After the man was arrested, officers said they discovered that the bogus 911 call came from his cell phone.
He was being held on $11,490 bail for multiple charges.
The man's plan seemed to work at first when the officers cut off their chase to answer the call. But then other officers in the area followed him into a parking lot and saw a gun in his car.
Officer's determined that the man was a felon and not allowed to possess a firearm. After the man was arrested, officers said they discovered that the bogus 911 call came from his cell phone.
He was being held on $11,490 bail for multiple charges.
How to Live a Long Time Joke
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
Post No Bills Graffiti
Some graffiti artists are really cool. And really funny. So here we have from the top and going clockwise, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Bill Murray and Bill Cosby. Post No Bills indeed. I love it!
The Pencil Fence - But Do they Work?
The colored pencil fence. I dont think they actually work. Nice that someone has gone to the trouble of creating a noticeable fence. Easy to spot - "Just look for the house with the pencil fence" Yes, got it.
Dont Give Money to Beggars - Paypal Them
Wow - you know the world has moved along when even beggars are resorting to new technology to take their money. A Papyal Beggar? I'll be damned.
Funny Overloaded Crate Car Photo
Im baffled that they could get this many crates on a car. And manage to keep them there without falling off. Thats worth a prize in my opinion. Even if they are iditots. What would someone want with so many crates anyhow?
You Look Like My Son Joke
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That'll be 125 dollars 95," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her."
"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That'll be 125 dollars 95," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her."
In Hell You Have Three Choices Joke
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."
The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.
"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.
Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.
"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.
Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
Nun Helps Draft Dodger Joke
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.
He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."
After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"
She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"
He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."
After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"
She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"
Overloaded Bike with Chickens and Ducks
Yes, there is a bike there. Trust me, that is a motorbike. I know its hard to see cos of all those ducks and chickens, but it is there. What a cruel way to go - stuffing all these anumals into bags. Im sure these guys didnt meet a happy ending. Poor little things.
Orthodox Priest and Woman Funny Pic
Trust me - its just a trick of the photo. This orthodox priest is not doing to the woman what it looks like he is doing. At least, i dont think so.
We Out of Meat Funny Sign
Out of Meet? Where did they learn how to spell and use proper grammar? Idiots.
Funny No Bills at This Address Photo
Now thats a warning to the postman. No bills please. Unless of course they emply a giant to deliver the mail - then you would be really in trouble.
Use Big People Words Funny Kids Joke
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Cow and Calf Kid Joke
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Ambulance Chasing Lawyer Joke
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
Lawyer at Deaths Door Funny Joke
A clever attorney was convinced he found a way to take all of his riches with him when he died. When he finally became ill and saw that death was imminent, he instructed his wife to sell all of his investments and buy gold coins with the proceeds.
She was instructed to place the gold in several bags with handles and place them in the attic directly over his bedroom. His plan was that when he died, his soul would rise up out of his body and ascend to heaven. As he passed through the attic, he would grab the bags of gold and take them with him.
Days later he finally died and the next day his wife went to the attic to see if the gold was gone, but found it was all still there. "The damn fool," she said to herself. "I told him we should have placed the bags in the basement."
She was instructed to place the gold in several bags with handles and place them in the attic directly over his bedroom. His plan was that when he died, his soul would rise up out of his body and ascend to heaven. As he passed through the attic, he would grab the bags of gold and take them with him.
Days later he finally died and the next day his wife went to the attic to see if the gold was gone, but found it was all still there. "The damn fool," she said to herself. "I told him we should have placed the bags in the basement."
Jewish Converts to Christian Joke
One day a middle-aged Jewish man named Leo hears from his son attending university. "I've decided to become a Christian, Dad."
Leo panics. "What do I do?" he asks himself. The only thing he can think to do is call his rabbi.
"Funny you should come to me with this problem, Leo," says the rabbi. "Not 2 years ago my son comes to me with the same speech. I had no idea what to do. I panicked, and the only thing I could think to do was go to God."
"What message do you think you got from God?" asks Leo.
The rabbi laughed. "God said to me, funny you should come to me with this problem ...'"
Leo panics. "What do I do?" he asks himself. The only thing he can think to do is call his rabbi.
"Funny you should come to me with this problem, Leo," says the rabbi. "Not 2 years ago my son comes to me with the same speech. I had no idea what to do. I panicked, and the only thing I could think to do was go to God."
"What message do you think you got from God?" asks Leo.
The rabbi laughed. "God said to me, funny you should come to me with this problem ...'"
Girl goes to Confession Joke
Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me, seven times."
The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."
The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."
Funny Motorbike Post Box
Someone has gone to a lot of trouble to create a motorbike post box. Pity they couldnt have spent some more time fixing up the rest of the place. Seems they just love bikes.
Tiny Green Space Age Car
Maybe its a hybrid car produced by GM? Hah, thats even more funny. I wonder what power oyu would get out of this little thing. Probbaly very little. Good for city driving then.
Mickey Mouse 747 Plane
Im not sure this is really funny, but it is really cute. There must have been some work gone into painting this plane as Mickey Mouse. Maybe its a disneyland 747 plane?
Funny Widow Obeys Husband Joke
Sometime after Rodney died, his widow, Nellie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Rodney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Nellie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Rodney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Rodney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Nellie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Rodney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Rodney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Nellie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
Cunning Accountant Bank Robbery Joke
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
Good News Bad News Artist Joke
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquirer about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquirer about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
Simple Groom Marriage Congratulations
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle.
"That's exactly what I mean."
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle.
"That's exactly what I mean."
Classic Funny Pirate Joke
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”
“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”
“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
Greedy Inheritance Joke
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued.
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued.
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Gambling Woman Bets Her Age Joke
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Its Divorce Court for Them - No Talking
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'
Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'
'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.
Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'
Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'
'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.
Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
Child Sick in Church Joke
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling sick. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
Motor Vehicle Licence Photo Joke
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Best Birthday Present For Your Wife
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
Beautiful Girl Arrives at Your House
An old guy was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.
"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."
"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."
"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."
"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."
Wife and Husband Explain their Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode.
When the husband sees that he says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode.
When the husband sees that he says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".
Your Husband Is Sick Joke
The phone rings.........and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello. Mrs. Jones, please."
"Mrs Jones speaking"
"Mrs Jones, this is Doctor Peterson at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Jones arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Jones asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Jones
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." Dr Peterson explained
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Mrs Jones cried.
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
"Hello. Mrs. Jones, please."
"Mrs Jones speaking"
"Mrs Jones, this is Doctor Peterson at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Jones arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Jones asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Jones
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." Dr Peterson explained
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Mrs Jones cried.
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Stupid Lawyer On the Phone Joke
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
Too Honest Child at Dinner Party Joke
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
More Funny Real Life Doctor Stories
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purplehair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purplehair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Funny New Improved Bike Wheel
Right, so he didnt have a wheel for the bicycle laying around, but he had a spare shopping cart. So just attach it and off you go. Handy way to shop on your bike as well - just like a really big basket on the handlebars.
Funny George Bush Football Photo
Im trying to work out if this is Rugby or American Football. I think it was taken at Yale, so im going to go with Rugby. I do love the caption "George Bush delives illegal bu gratifying right hook to opposing ball carrier". Yeah, he does look happy with that punch. Funny guy.
Oh Yes Primemister - Unfortunate Howard & Costello
The guy at the back was Peter Costello, Treasurer and heir to the throne of Australian Primeminister. And the guy with the back of his head to camera was John Howard, Prime Minister. They never had a great relationship - perhaps until this point.Oh, and just for the record, Costello never made it to become Prime Minister. Maybe a good thing too. The guy who may have been his second in command, has a surname of Abbott. Yep, the top two politicians in Australia could have been Abbott and Costello. Hardly inspiring stuff.
Odd WWF Funny Photo
This WWF, world wrestling photo looks all wrong. And unfortunate. I dont think they are doing what it looks like they are doing. I dont think so. Great acting though.
Funny Basketball Coach Joke
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
It Was This Big Fish Story
George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
George replied, "Well... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
George replied, "Well... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
Nuns Having Fun Snowball Fight
Nuns need to have some time out too. Nice to think they know how to make snowballs. Pity the poor nun at the door. Snowball right in the face! ouch.
New Mini Bike Photo
No tyre on the back wheel and some little tiny one on the front. Sometimes you just have to make do with what you have. And as odd as this bike looks, it seems to work.
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