Yes, very true. And that sign will still be there tomorrow. 
Pepsi or Coke Cannibals Joke
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "You betcha!"
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "You betcha!"
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
Great Funny Quotes for Life
Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're going to steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry. . But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're going to steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry. . But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
.
How to Create a Literal Pie Chart
Yes, some people are clever. Perhaps this should be the history of the pie chart or circle graph. This is where it all began.
Funny Squirells and Hunter Joke
A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet.
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.”
“So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated.
“Well,” Joe continued, “two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ‘Should we take them home or eat 'em now?’”
.
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.”
“So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated.
“Well,” Joe continued, “two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ‘Should we take them home or eat 'em now?’”
.
The Preacher and His Parrot Joke
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
.
Quick Grasshopper Joke
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
.
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
.
Funny Definitions of Teenagers
- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone
number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother
calling from the next room.
- A whiz that can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make
a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for
her driver's license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty that never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs
mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.
number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother
calling from the next room.
- A whiz that can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make
a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for
her driver's license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty that never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs
mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.
The Difference Between Potential & Reality Joke
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Toilets at the Racetrack Jockey Joke
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. but thanks
for the lift anyhow."
.
During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. but thanks
for the lift anyhow."
.
Watch Out for the Water Fountain
Its a hot day - why not go for a paddle in the fountain. Im sure fallng into it wasnt the idea.
Funny Mushroom Toadstool Photo
Umm, ahhh, well, yes, umm, not much i can say about this mushroom photo. How about them bears?
Still Stripping Magazine Cover
Its a rather unfortunate headline. I wonder who thought that "still stripping after 25 years" was a good idea?
More Great American People Facts
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we're average-looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we're average-looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Funny American Facts and Statistics
Facts and Statistics about Americans. Did you know that . . .
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,
family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,
family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
Real Adam & Eve Story Joke for Women
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God..."Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Smart Mother & College Kid Joke
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid.
So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy his time?"
She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him."
"That's $1020!" yelled her husband. Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry, Hon," she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
"Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid.
So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy his time?"
She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him."
"That's $1020!" yelled her husband. Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry, Hon," she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
My Daughter Isnt Pregnant Joke
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"
Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"
Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Husband Goes Fishing Joke
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. While they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
The Mime, Lion and Gorilla Joke
One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's mostpopular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and thekeeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds him flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"
.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's mostpopular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and thekeeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds him flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"
.
His Ears Were Burning
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."
"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.
"How do you think I called you people?"
He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."
"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.
"How do you think I called you people?"
Funny Engineer and Shredder Office Joke
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:00 pmwhen he found the CEO standing in front of a shredderwith a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Dangerous Blonde with a Gun
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to Shoot.
The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to Shoot.
The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
.
The Second Husband Widow Joke
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?"
"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,"the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said.
"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.
"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow," replied the cabby
"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
"Who?"
"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,"the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."
"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"Bill was really something, huh?"
"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him," the man said.
"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.
"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow," replied the cabby
One Packed School Bus
There are lots of kids on this truck, so im guessing its a school bus. The sign on the side says Fish Dealer, so maybe the driver has them confused. They are so crammed in the back doors are bursting. Gee, you wouldnt even do this to fish. Well, maybe sardines.
Funny Fook Yue Seafood Restaurant
Im not sure that i want to eat here. After the title or name of the restaurant, im thinking the service wouldnt be so good.
The Real Chuck Norris Funny Photo
This doesnt look like Chuck Norris. Although Helicopter Captain - or Helikopter Kapitan is a role that i would expect him to play. Maybe this guy is acting as Chuck Norris in a movie about Chuck Norris. Germans love Chuck Norris too.
Funny Bike Stuck in a Tree
Im trying to work this one out. I hope nobody was riding this bike when it got stuck in the tree. I think maybe that the bike was chained to the tree, forgotten, and the tree has grown around it. Thats my theory anyway. Very funny photo.
Rear Ended in the NFL
Its a rather unfortunate photo of the NFL wouldnt you say? A slightly compromising position. Id like to know what the guy kneeling down is looking at.
Funny Chemistry Exam Joke
As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college.
Although their Chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they overslept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon.
In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus.
Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.
The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms. 75 point question: Which tire was flat?
Although their Chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they overslept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon.
In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus.
Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.
The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms. 75 point question: Which tire was flat?
Funny Kids Marriage Joke
Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (seven) who lived next door.
One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".
Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."
Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." "That should be more than enough!"
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"
One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".
Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."
Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." "That should be more than enough!"
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"
Funny Business Snowball Sales
I love this - what a fantastic idea. It looks like there isnt too much snow cover, its a bit slushy. So this guy has made himself some snowballs and is selling them for a dollar. Why not? We are all time poor these days and dont even have time to make snow balls!
Young Spiderman At Home
A young spiderman learning to climb at home. Better to start with the fridge than a wall.
How To Sleep on a Train
Yes, this is a real device for allowing you to sleep on a train. Crazy hey? Too bad if someone kicks the stand out from under you. Funny.
Great Blonde on an Airplane Joke
The plane is on its way to Houston , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit back in her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
He replies, "I told her, `First class isn't going to Houston .'"
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit back in her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
He replies, "I told her, `First class isn't going to Houston .'"
Great Golf Shot Joke
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."
Drunk Husband Comes Home Joke
An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Some Smart Life Lesssons
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
How to Tell If You Are Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive
14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive
14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
The Terrible Employee Interview Joke
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
More Funny Mens Rules for Women
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
The Cat Goes to Heaven and Wife Joke
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
Dead Men and Bleeding Doctor Joke
A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed.
After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied.
“Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!”
The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed.
After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied.
“Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!”
The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”
Qantas Pilots and Engineers Real Jokes
After every Qantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, and then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a great sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.
1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.
1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.
1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.
1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.
1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.
1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.
1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.
1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.
1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.
1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.
1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.
1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.
Lawyer in Space Joke
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
Just a Head Joke
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Monkey Loves a Soda
What is this monkey drinking? Looks like it might be a can of fanta. Straight from the makers of Coca Cola. Maybe monkeys love coke too.
One Scary Ass Biting
How scared is this kid? And anyway, why is the donkey trying to get its head through the car window? I love this photo. The look on the kids face is priceless.
Monkeys Can Read Too
Hold on a second, he isnt reading this paper the right way up. Maybe he is just looking at the photos. Clever shot though.
Melting Snow With Blowtorch May Burn Your House
NEW BEDFORD, Mass. - Fire officials in New Bedford, Mass., say a man using a blowtorch to melt ice on his back porch ended up setting his house on fire, causing up to $30,000 in damage.
Fire Capt. Scott Kruger tells The Standard-Times of New Bedford that no on was injured during Monday's incident at the three-story home.
Kruger says the man was using a torch hooked up to a 20-pound propane cylinder. He got too close to the building's wood frame and ignited the vinyl siding. The fire quickly spread into the building's second- and third-floor apartments.
It took 25 firefighters to subdue the blaze that damaged bedrooms in the upstairs units, and caused damage to the structure and wiring.
The homeowner will not be charged.
Fire Capt. Scott Kruger tells The Standard-Times of New Bedford that no on was injured during Monday's incident at the three-story home.
Kruger says the man was using a torch hooked up to a 20-pound propane cylinder. He got too close to the building's wood frame and ignited the vinyl siding. The fire quickly spread into the building's second- and third-floor apartments.
It took 25 firefighters to subdue the blaze that damaged bedrooms in the upstairs units, and caused damage to the structure and wiring.
The homeowner will not be charged.
Funny Cheap Lawyer Funeral Joke
A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by the coffin containing the body of an old friend.
In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a $100 bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a $100 bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
The Cheap Husband and Wife Team
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . . . so does she "
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . . . so does she "
Ive Never Felt Better Joke
An Insurance Agent tells of a courtroom exchange between a defense Attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim.
Attorney," At the scene of the accident did you tell the 'Constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer "that's right." Attorney, "Well then how is it you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's automobile hit your wagon?"
Farmer "When the constable arrived he went over to Rover ,my dog, who was all banged up and shot him. Then he went over to my horse who had a broken leg and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say, "I've never felt better in my life
Attorney," At the scene of the accident did you tell the 'Constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer "that's right." Attorney, "Well then how is it you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's automobile hit your wagon?"
Farmer "When the constable arrived he went over to Rover ,my dog, who was all banged up and shot him. Then he went over to my horse who had a broken leg and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say, "I've never felt better in my life
The Large Woman Shopper Joke
A little boy and his father were standing in line at the grocery store behind a really large woman. She was dressed like an executive and was wearing a beeper.
The little boy was bored and could not stop looking at the woman. Finally, he said to his father, "Dad, look at the size of her rear!"
The father was appalled and said, "Shh! Son, Its not nice to talk that way about other people!"
So, after being quiet for a while longer, the little boy said "Dad, take a look at the size of her legs!" and again the dad says, "Quiet son , you're embarrassing me!"
It wasn't long after that when her beeper went off, and the boy shouted, "Look out Dad, she's backing up!"
The little boy was bored and could not stop looking at the woman. Finally, he said to his father, "Dad, look at the size of her rear!"
The father was appalled and said, "Shh! Son, Its not nice to talk that way about other people!"
So, after being quiet for a while longer, the little boy said "Dad, take a look at the size of her legs!" and again the dad says, "Quiet son , you're embarrassing me!"
It wasn't long after that when her beeper went off, and the boy shouted, "Look out Dad, she's backing up!"
Hen Pecked Husband Joke
There were two entrances to the Pearly Gates and over one was a sign saying "Henpecked Husbands".
There was an extremely long line in front of that entrance. The other entrance had a sign saying "He-men". There was only one shriveled up little guy waiting there.
St. Peter went up to the little guy and asked him why he was waiting there and the little guy said "my wife told me to stand here".
There was an extremely long line in front of that entrance. The other entrance had a sign saying "He-men". There was only one shriveled up little guy waiting there.
St. Peter went up to the little guy and asked him why he was waiting there and the little guy said "my wife told me to stand here".
Clever Freezer Swearing Parrot
This woman has always wanted a parrot and so she saves up her money and buys a parrot. As soon as she gets the parrot home it begins saying these incredibly foul obscenities. The woman rightly offended by the bird's use of the English language takes the bird back to the pet store where she got it and explains to the owner the problem. The owner agrees that the bird's language is most certainly unacceptable and tells her that the next time the parrot swears to put the parrot in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes.
The woman takes the parrot home and no sooner do they get through the door when the parrot states an obscenity so foul, it would make a Marine drill sergeant blush.
The woman take the Parrot and places him in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes. At the end of two minutes she opens the door and she sees the parrot standing there shivering. The woman says to the parrot "that's it I've had it. I'll have no more swearing out of you. If you do it again I'll put you back in the freezer" The parrot replies "I won't do it again, I swear, I'll be good". The woman takes the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot looks at the woman and says, with trepidation in his voice, " I've just got one question, What did the chicken say?"
The woman takes the parrot home and no sooner do they get through the door when the parrot states an obscenity so foul, it would make a Marine drill sergeant blush.
The woman take the Parrot and places him in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes. At the end of two minutes she opens the door and she sees the parrot standing there shivering. The woman says to the parrot "that's it I've had it. I'll have no more swearing out of you. If you do it again I'll put you back in the freezer" The parrot replies "I won't do it again, I swear, I'll be good". The woman takes the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot looks at the woman and says, with trepidation in his voice, " I've just got one question, What did the chicken say?"
Great Funny Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
How To Stay Amused In Your Boring Life
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
3. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
4. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
5. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
6. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
7. Sing Along At The Opera.
8. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
9. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
3. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
4. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
5. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
6. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
7. Sing Along At The Opera.
8. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
9. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
Great Truths Lessons for Life
Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
4) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
Great Truths About Growing Old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) No one other than your contemporaries care how it used to be.
3) Time may be a great healer, ! But it's a lousy beautician.
4) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
4) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
Great Truths About Growing Old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) No one other than your contemporaries care how it used to be.
3) Time may be a great healer, ! But it's a lousy beautician.
4) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Umbrella for Cigarattes Ad
Yes, this is a real ad. Im not sure why having an umbrella for a cigratte never took off in the sales. Weird. I also dont know why they chose a clown to help advertise this.
Inflatable Doll Love Maid
What really concerns me about this one is that you can have a free 10 day home trial. Yeah, thats something that as a business id like to have returned. Not.
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