A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A Blonde Flight Attendant
It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
Mammogram for Sale Funny
Yes, who wouldnt want a mammogram dish washer. Dual Purpose machines. Multi tasking and all that.
The Firetruck Sells What?
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Stealing the Mail Story
Who would have thought that a mailman would actually deliver mail. I can see why someone was suspicious.
The Bad Eyesight Golfer Joke
How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
Surprise Found in Gun Shop
TVs? Lounge Chairs for Sale? Or maybe even some caskets? No, they found guns. Gawd.
Funny Grady Headstone for Sale
I cant help but thinking that the market for this guys product is somewhat limited...
Funny Teen Pregnancy Story
What happens between 20 and 25 i wonder? Or should that be twentyteen and twentyfiveteen. Pure genius.
Womans Missing Birthday Cards
Hmm, maybe sh doesnt have as many friends as she thought. Nah. Its the mail service or thieves.
Talking Duck Attacked By Dog
Did he refuse in words or by his actions. Maybe ducks can talk. I for one though found it hard to understand donald.
Simple Poison Advice Funny
Ahh, yeah. Thanks for that advice. I was just going to down a bottle of the stuff.
Hoya to You Politician Joke
It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
Flooding the Car Joke
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
Cheap Porsche Joke
A man saw an advertisement in a paper which read, "Porsche for sale: $200." He went to view it, expecting to find a battered heap of rust, but instead found himself face to face with a gleaming new model in mint condition.
"Why are you selling it for $200?" he asked the lady.
"Simple. Last week, my husband ran off with his secretary. He said: "You can keep the house, but sell my Porsche and send the money to me."
"Why are you selling it for $200?" he asked the lady.
"Simple. Last week, my husband ran off with his secretary. He said: "You can keep the house, but sell my Porsche and send the money to me."
Dieting Tips for the Holiday Season
If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
What Men are Really Like Joke
Men are like....Animals
Messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....Beer.
The first sip is always bitter.
No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Bras.
They offer light, medium and complete support.
Men are like....Buses.
They come every 15 minutes.
Men are like....Buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
Men are like....Computers.
And a smart woman keeps a backup.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Fires.
They go out if unattended!
Men are like....Fine wine. They start out as grapes.
It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like....Oreos.
Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table
Men are like.....Recliners.
You pull the lever and they lay back
Men are like....Teeth.
You ignore them - you lose them.
Husbands are like....Children
They're fine if they're someone else's.
Messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like....Beer.
The first sip is always bitter.
No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like....Bras.
They offer light, medium and complete support.
Men are like....Buses.
They come every 15 minutes.
Men are like....Buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
Men are like....Computers.
And a smart woman keeps a backup.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Fires.
They go out if unattended!
Men are like....Fine wine. They start out as grapes.
It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like....Oreos.
Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table
Men are like.....Recliners.
You pull the lever and they lay back
Men are like....Teeth.
You ignore them - you lose them.
Husbands are like....Children
They're fine if they're someone else's.
Real Life Crack Story
Yep - i guess i get it. Probably a bad choice of headline. Or were they having their own little joke?
Urgent Help Funny Story
Now, who in their right mind would name a cat, "help"? Oh, sorry, they arent in their right mind. I like this. Very funny.
Funny Mausoleum Story
What did they expect to find? A Home Theatre? A Fridge stocked with beer?No way, they put caskets in there? Get outta town.
Funny Not For Sale Car Advert
Then why bother advertising. Hard to tell who has made the mistake here. I think the car is for sale.
The Burrito Baby
Im still confused how someone could confuse a burrito with a baby. New glasses perhaps?
Funny Back In Time Advert
So its not safe to go back in time. But he has done it before. Sure, id apply.
Speeding and Fishing Joke
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
Scary Arnold Schwarzenegger Cutout
Sure, he is a Republican. But he is married to a Democrat and he represents California. He's not that scary. Ok, The Terminator wasnt that nice a guy - but he was good in T2.
Psychotherapist Funny Sign Joke
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
Blonde Landscaper Joke
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Funny Tired Groom Photo
Well, its been a long day. Funny thing is, that the bride doesnt seem to be affected at all. She is drinking coffee, while the groom was probably drinking something a little heavier...
Funny Thankgiving Turkey for Sale
I like funny people. I wonder if anyone bought the turkey. Good thing that the drumsticks are fine. That would be a big selling point.
How To Make A Duck Dance Joke
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck
is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't
dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks' former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck
is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't
dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks' former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Funny Christmas Fruitcake Recipe Joke
1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Funny One Eyed Cat Photo
This looks like one mean and evil cat. Probably a sweetie though. Its the one tooth and the closed eye which make him look like a bad cat.
Funny Jewish Personal Ads
Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
Funny Truck Hammock Photo
So much for the cabin behind the drivers seat. I hope to god that this truck doesnt start moving with the guy asleep. Im guessing he is the driver though.
The Wicked Wife Cop Joke
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
The Singing Ass
Doesnt every ass sing? Maybe they do. Or maybe its just a regular donkey making that annoying noise.
A Woman Applies to the CIA Joke
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
The Double Positive Joke
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
Peter and Jesus Joke
Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill conforting Mary Magdelene when he hears a faint voice, "Peter...Peter..."
"I must go and help my saviour," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter..." in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally and toss him back down the hill.
Again, he hears, "Peter...Peter..." even fainter and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here!"
"I must go and help my saviour," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter..." in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally and toss him back down the hill.
Again, he hears, "Peter...Peter..." even fainter and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here!"
Jesus, Moses and Old Man Golfing
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap . Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says "Dad, if you don't stop messing around, we won't bring you next time."
Jesus then turns to the old man and says "Dad, if you don't stop messing around, we won't bring you next time."
Texan and Australian Farmer Joke
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Changing Currency Japanese Joke
A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a minute," he says to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?"
"Fluctuations." says the clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans, too!"
He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a minute," he says to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?"
"Fluctuations." says the clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans, too!"
How To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
The Thanksgiving Forecast Joke
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Mother Thanksgiving Joke
A young boy after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together,climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"
"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard," replied his daddy.
"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard," replied his daddy.
Santa and the Policemen
Pick the odd one out. Maybe Santa is really a policeman undercover. Very clever disguise.
Not the Macarena Joke
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
The Dangerous Plane School Photo
I think i would prefer to learn to fly at another aviation company. Sorry, no offense.
Packers Greatest Fan
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Overloaded Motorbike Rider
How on earth is this guy managing to ride this motorcycle? Is he crazy? Or just desperate. Hmm.
Very Long Zebra Funny Photo
That is one long zebra. Trick photography? Nahhh. I love how a Zebra stripes change direction on different parts of their body.
Teacher was Asking for it Joke
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
Cat Selling Fish - Catfish Perhaps?
Whoever heard of a cat selling fish? Controlling his appetite, thats for sure. Maybe they are Catfish? Funny.
Real Science Exam Answers
These are real answers on science exams...
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.
Suggestions for Men on First Date
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
A Wife and Her Credit Card Joke
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Water Skiing in a Flood
What better way to enjoy a flood than to ski behind a car. Still seems kinda stupid though.
50th Wedding Anniversary and Pig
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Real Airline Stories
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
The Surfing Cat Photo
That is one clever cat, i didnt know they could surf. God forbid if he falls off. Can cats swim?
Blondes on a Plane Again
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Funny United Nations Photo
After the recent events in the Democratic Republic of Congo, this photo is making a lot of sense.
Irish Plane Crash Joke
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
More Steven Wright Sayings
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
Funny Things to Do in an Exam
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Real Life Funny News Stories 1
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers whowere showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked to use his I.D. for an example. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they enteredit into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
God and President Bush Joke
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
Priest, Minister and Rabbi Joke
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
The Desperate Student Joke
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
Lawyer in a Courtroom Joke
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law...
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law...
Funny Answering Machine Message
This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
One Less Lawyer in the World
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
Key Quotes for Life
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
God and Plastic Surgery Joke
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
Great Steven Wright Quotes
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far'.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have a CD burner... My fireplace.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
I'm addicted to placebos... I'd quit but it wouldn't matter.
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman.
She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far'.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have a CD burner... My fireplace.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
I'm addicted to placebos... I'd quit but it wouldn't matter.
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman.
She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
Getting Caught by the Cops Joke
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
Great Bob Hope Quotes
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
Lady's 80th Birthday Cruise Joke
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.
Good Advice for Oldies Joke
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedos and cellulite.
7. A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. In-line skates and a walker.
1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedos and cellulite.
7. A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. In-line skates and a walker.
Funny 50th Birthday Jokes
• You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.
• You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.
• Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.
• You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.
• You have survived the humiliation of middle age.
• You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
• You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
• You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
• You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
• You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
• Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.
• You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.
• Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.
• You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.
• Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.
• You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.
• You have survived the humiliation of middle age.
• You’ll no longer have to suffer the disappointment of thwarted ambitions – you no longer have any.
• You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
• You’ll be the champ at history questions in the pub quiz.
• You can embarrass your family by entering glamorous granny or good-looking grandfather competitions.
• You don’t need to make an effort anymore – people will expect you to be frumpy, boring and cantankerous.
• Your failing memory allows you to convince yourself that you’re a super sex machine.
• You’ll be able to talk incessantly about the good old days.
• Your failing eyesight saves you the anguish of seeing your disintegrating body.
The 50th Wedding Anniversary Joke
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe,
four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses,
and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your
bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied,
"For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson.
Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses,
and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your
bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied,
"For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson.
Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
The Benefits of Turning 50 Joke
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run anywhere.
People call at 9:00 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
You can almost live without sex but not your glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who told you about this list.
You notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run anywhere.
People call at 9:00 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
You can almost live without sex but not your glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who told you about this list.
You notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
The Pains of Getting Old Joke
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting
around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
The Forgetful Woman Driver
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and neither could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light
was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was
almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she
might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay
very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light
was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was
almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she
might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay
very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"
Turn off that Light Joke
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip
light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the
pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip
light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the
pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Some Real Lessons for Life 2
Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Some Real Lessons for Life 1
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
A Quick Poem on Economists
If you do some acrobatics
with a little mathematics
it will take you far along.
If your idea's not defensible
don't make it comprehensible
or folks will find you out,
and your work will draw attention
if you only fail to mention
what the whole thing is about.
Your must talk of GNP
and of elasticity
of rates of substitution
and undeterminate solution
and oligonopopsony.
with a little mathematics
it will take you far along.
If your idea's not defensible
don't make it comprehensible
or folks will find you out,
and your work will draw attention
if you only fail to mention
what the whole thing is about.
Your must talk of GNP
and of elasticity
of rates of substitution
and undeterminate solution
and oligonopopsony.
The Old Accountant Goes to Heaven
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
Laws and Rules in The Home Joke
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
Jesus is Watching You Parrot
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
Patience With Your Child Joke
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
The Parrot on a Plane Joke
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"
How To Know if You Want Children Test
Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
How to Tell When Your Baby is Due
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Funny Bagpipe Jokes
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
The Wittle White Wabbit Joke
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Silly Cat Jokes
Q: What does a lion brush his mane with?
A: A catacomb!
Q: What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
A: Miaooooooooooooooooooow!
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet!
Q: Why do tomcats fight?
A: Because they like raising a stink!
Q: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
A: They are both ginger nuts!
Q: What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A: A catameringue!
Q: On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A: A caterpillar!
Q: What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A: A Peking Tom!
A: A catacomb!
Q: What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
A: Miaooooooooooooooooooow!
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
A: Shredded tweet!
Q: Why do tomcats fight?
A: Because they like raising a stink!
Q: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
A: They are both ginger nuts!
Q: What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A: A catameringue!
Q: On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A: A caterpillar!
Q: What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A: A Peking Tom!
3 Wishes for an Old Lady Joke
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
The Cheating Husbands Golf Joke
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"
"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"
Employee Excuses
My stigmata's acting up.
* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
* I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.
* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.
* I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
* I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.
* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.
* I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
Idiot Eager Journalist Joke
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
The Unfaithful Wife Joke
After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"
"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"
"Well, er, yes - but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.
"Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"
"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time."
"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time."
"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole?
"The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"
"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"
"Well, er, yes - but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.
"Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"
"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time."
"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time."
"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole?
"The third time was " Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"
Boss and Employee Differences
1 When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Good News and Bad News Joke
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"
Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
Getting to the Other Side Blonde
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"
The Green Ball Joke
Q: If you've got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?
A: Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
A: Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
Funny Rush Limbaugh Joke
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig.
It Pays to Check Joke
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion"
God and Michael Jackson
One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.
He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female."
After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female."
After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
The Pragmatic Wife Joke
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
Classic Genie Divorce Joke
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie.
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
