What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.
How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.
Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Honest Lawyer Joke
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Lots of Quick Blonde Jokes 1
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q. How is a dumb blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.
Q. Why do dumb blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath. Funny blonde jokes...
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Good Dumb Blonde jokes...
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common?
A. They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A. The blonde works in the dark!
Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A. Her ankles.
Q. What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."
Q. What do Blondes say after sex?
A1. Thanks Guys.
A2. Are you boys all in the same band?
A3. Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A. Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q. What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q. How is a dumb blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.
Q. Why do dumb blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath. Funny blonde jokes...
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Good Dumb Blonde jokes...
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common?
A. They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A. The blonde works in the dark!
Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A. Her ankles.
Q. What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."
Q. What do Blondes say after sex?
A1. Thanks Guys.
A2. Are you boys all in the same band?
A3. Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A. Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q. What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
A Locked Car Blonde Problem
Two Blondes were out on the town. One of the blondes who owned a mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
The Turkey Football Player
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line!
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!! You made the team and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey shouted, "I want to know if I’ll be playing Thanksgiving Day?!!"
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line!
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!! You made the team and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey shouted, "I want to know if I’ll be playing Thanksgiving Day?!!"
God is Real Joke
An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by.
He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "GOD WAS BUSY; HE SENT ME!"
He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "GOD WAS BUSY; HE SENT ME!"
Not So Smart Businessman Joke
A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"
Hot Coffee Joke
A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns." He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning!"
Not Crippled Drunk Joke
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Gifts not Wishes Genie Joke
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie materialized.
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "Due to poor connectivity with the seventh dimension. But I'll give you three off-the-shelf gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "Due to poor connectivity with the seventh dimension. But I'll give you three off-the-shelf gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
Bridge to Hawaii Joke
A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found an old glass bottle. He could see something inside, but the glass was dark green and scratched ... so he opened it.
A Genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The Genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."
The Genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the concrete that would be needed, not to mention the surfacing, drainage systems, lighting ... No, that is too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute: "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The Genie scratched his beard and thought about this request for a few moments.
"So, do you want two lanes or four?"
A Genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The Genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."
The Genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the concrete that would be needed, not to mention the surfacing, drainage systems, lighting ... No, that is too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute: "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The Genie scratched his beard and thought about this request for a few moments.
"So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Hairdresser Blonde Joke
A blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones. The stylist said, “You need to remove your headphones or I can’t cut your hair.”
The blonde replied, “No. I can’t! I’ll just die without them!”
So the stylist agreed and trimmed the ends of the blonde’s hair until she fell asleep. The stylist thought to herself, “I’ll just take these off her to cut the rest of her hair. She won’t even notice.” So the stylist did it.
A few minutes later the blonde fell out of the chair dead!
Surprised, the stylist said, “I wonder what could have possibly killed her? Maybe it had something to do with the headphones after all.”
So the stylist took the blonde’s headphones and put them on her own head to see what was playing. On the headphones a voice repeated, “Breathe in, breathe out.”
The blonde replied, “No. I can’t! I’ll just die without them!”
So the stylist agreed and trimmed the ends of the blonde’s hair until she fell asleep. The stylist thought to herself, “I’ll just take these off her to cut the rest of her hair. She won’t even notice.” So the stylist did it.
A few minutes later the blonde fell out of the chair dead!
Surprised, the stylist said, “I wonder what could have possibly killed her? Maybe it had something to do with the headphones after all.”
So the stylist took the blonde’s headphones and put them on her own head to see what was playing. On the headphones a voice repeated, “Breathe in, breathe out.”
Russian and African Roulette Joke
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'II show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'II show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
Cookie Blonde Joke
How do you know a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You'll find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor!
You'll find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor!
The Algebra Terrorist Joke
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x'and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x'and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Jigsaw Puzzle Blonde Joke
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, ...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, ...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Raising the Dead Joke
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show.
"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!"
The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!"
The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
Marriage Advice Supper Joke
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Social Security Joke
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
The Nasty Vet Joke
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her, "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet, 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The doctor's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet, 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The doctor's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
The Wailing Firetruck Joke
A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with small ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with high regard.
Thanks," says girl says!
The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little lady," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren!
The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with high regard.
Thanks," says girl says!
The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little lady," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren!
Loving Wife Joke
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!!"
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!.. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!!"
Brush Your Teeth Joke
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.
They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.
They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"
The Late Senator Joke
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!
Software or Hardware Joke
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
The New Woman Preacher Joke
A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor. After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."
Wounded Boy Scout Joke
A troop of Boy Scouts were being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note:
"Have bled to death and gone home..."
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note:
"Have bled to death and gone home..."
How a Blind Man Can See
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Dirty Doctor Joke
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
The Peeing Eye Dog
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
A Very Blonde Christmas Joke
Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.
The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!
Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!
Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"
One Very Smart Computer Joke
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a trick question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead"! It had been a trick question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
Quick Christmas Jokes
These might be found in Christmas Crackers....
Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes
10. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes!
9. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho!
8. Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs!
7. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He had low ELF esteem!
6. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite!
5. Where do you find reindeer? It depends on where you leave them!
4. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!
3. What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer!
2. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
1. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet!
More Quick Christmas Jokes
Top 10 Short Funny Christmas Jokes
10. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes!
9. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho!
8. Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs!
7. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He had low ELF esteem!
6. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark? Frostbite!
5. Where do you find reindeer? It depends on where you leave them!
4. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!
3. What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer!
2. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
1. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet!
More Quick Christmas Jokes
The Mean Drunk Joke
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender - "Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too" The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk "that will be $35"
The drunk said - "I don't have any money" The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up.
The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself, too."
The bartender thinks, this guy can't be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says "that will be $40."
The drunk says 'I don't have any money". The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up again.
The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone. The bartender says, "What, not one for myself?"
The drunk replied, "heck no, you get too mean when you drink."
The drunk said - "I don't have any money" The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up.
The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself, too."
The bartender thinks, this guy can't be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says "that will be $40."
The drunk says 'I don't have any money". The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up again.
The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone. The bartender says, "What, not one for myself?"
The drunk replied, "heck no, you get too mean when you drink."
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