Yet More Christmas Jokes In Crackers

How do snails keep their shells shiny? ...
They use snail varnish.

What do you get if you cross a stereo with a refrigerator? ...
Cool music.

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun? ...
Whatever it wants you to.

How much must you know to be an auctioneer? ...
Lots.

Teacher: What do you know about the Dead Sea? ...
Pupil: I didn't even know it was ill.

What do you call a man with an award on his head? ...
Oscar.

What goes around the woods grunting and sending the other animals to sleep? ...
A wild bore.

What bow can't be untied? ...
A rainbow.

Where do astronauts leave their cars? ...
At parking meteors.

What do you call Mrs. Santa Claus? ...
Mary Christmas.

Doctor: I'm sorry, you have acute appendicitis. ...
Patient: I came here to be treated, not admired, Doctor.

What is green and hairy and wears sunglasses? ...
A gooseberry on holiday.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper? ...
A wooly jumper.

What's a frog's favourite drink? ...
Croak-a-cola.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. ...
Doctor: I'll deal with you later.

Waiter, please call the manager - I can't eat this soup. ...
He won't eat it either, sir.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? ...
Unlawful is against the law, illegal is a sick bird.

Why is a lion in the desert like Christmas? ...
Because of it's sandy claws.

What do angry mice send each other at Christmas? ...
Cross mouse cards.

What's the difference between a market gardener and a snooker player? ...
One minds his peas, the other minds his cues.

Are you a piece of string? ...
No, I'm afraid not.

Which players in an orchestra can't you trust? ...
The fiddlers.

What did the big piece of dough say to the little piece of dough? ...
You'll still be kneaded.

What does an angry kangaroo do? ...
Get hopping mad.

What happened to the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube? ...
He made a laughing stock of himself.

Why does the milking stool have only 2 legs? ...
Because the cow has the udder one.

What bird is always out of breath? ...
A puffin.

What does an angry kangaroo do? ...
Get hopping mad.

What do you serve but never eat? ...
A tennis ball.

Why did the chicken run onto the football pitch? ...
Because the ref. blew for a foul.

Why don't robots have brothers? ...
Because they have transistors.

What kind of tie does a pig wear? ...
A pig sty.

What did the beaver say to the tree? ...
Nice gnawing you.